It’s 5 weeks since Dad died. I just passed an older gentleman in the street. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I imagined it was my Dad going about his day, healthy. Dad looked so old in the end. Cancer aged him. Like, 20 years.
I’m sad without him. Not all the time but when it’s quiet and my mind is free, there’s that very real knowledge. He’s gone. My mind starts to try and make it better but then it stops because it can’t. It’s final. Over. And it feels empty. I miss him. I said about a year ago flippantly, stupidly, when I was in an ambivalent state about my Dad because of unended things ‘I don’t really see what the point of Dads are…I don’t even think I really need a Dad…!’. Ha! Thinking they kinda got in the way. Woah, I actually said that/thought that. Silly girl. But they’re just ideas/words. Spoken because it’s complicated, the relationship with loved ones. Ones you wanted to say so much to and you never did. Maybe you were still a little angry at them and maybe you thought they didn’t deserve it and maybe you weren’t that great with intimacy either. Maybe you just put it off for another time. But then the time ran out.
But I did say words at the end. I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you. Then Dad said it back. He said I admire you. But he didn’t have to say anything. I knew he just loved me. The look in his smiling eyes was deep. He loved me so much and I relished it when I wasn’t rejecting it. I craved it, when I wasn’t angry with it. I wish I had been kinder.
My father is gone and I can’t get him back and it hurts real bad. The good news can’t be shared with him. And I can’t take him for granted and call when I need him. I wish I called more and said ‘I was thinking about you so hi’. Wish I’d said more ‘I miss yous’. I wish I had forgiven him faster. The forgiveness was too slow. It was a beautiful start and a beautiful end and it was fun and shit along the way. All I have left is Bern. And my brother who looks like Dad in this photo. A step dad, a father in law, father like friends… but they’re not Rob, Bob, Dad, GPR.
And I’ve changed. I’m sadder. And slower. And more reflective. I want to be alone more. I know things now. It’s peaceful and painful. Life is short.
It’s not fair MY Dad got cancer. I believe less in creating good fortune and hope. It seems more likely that groundlessness is reality. Just this moment is all we have.
Just one more kiss, one more smile, a conversation, a joke and a laugh. Some of your irony, your silliness, your concientiousness and caution. I love you my patient, funny, serious Dad. I’d give anything now for one of your songs. Ah sad heart. So much to remember.
What’s the point of Dads? Mostly just love ♥♥♥
Mabel Fyne 
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