I love this little person so much. I love music so much. I didn’t realize I would be so torn between the two. I even bought a book on the subject of mothers and art for guidance. It was interesting but it was mainly about writers and painters.
Where did all the years go, seriously, I mean I’ve been prolific at starting stuff but not so at finishing. Sometimes it feels that adult life responsibilities have taken me far, far away from myself. I feel mainly frustration and guilt. I feel lost. My goals have changed. I don’t know what I want.
It started around 34, well earlier re wanting a baby. I’d met the guy. He was good. I’m not sure how much of my instinct was socialised as all my friends were doing it. I seriously did not consider it in my 20’s. Perhaps birth control killed all nature, dunno.
So, I started in on Luke…. ‘It’s time for us to have a baby’. And just like Amy Winehouse, he said ‘no, no, no’.
I convinced him (aka wore him down) but he was always more in tune with the profundity of it. And more centred around our musical venture together. We hadn’t pledged our allegiance officially but we really had and he was like what about that and I was like don’t worry we can do both…
To my credit I did successfully, accurately envisage the 1st year. Oh, how I loved that first year. The pregnancy was a beautiful, expectant healthy dream really. I was naive and blissful. Little Lizzy was born sick but still naivety got me through the intensive care stint. I was sure it’d be ok coz of modern medicine and I was right but it was more precarious than I knew.
I’m proud that we were back in rehearsal with bubs after 6 weeks, with this crazy elaborate set up so it wouldn’t hurt her ears. It was tiring. But it felt goooood. Baby was so easy because she was transportable and attached to me. We got along superbly. I was like I can dooooo this! Awesome. And then I wanted another. But music first.
I had a very productive period that first year and was happy! I wrote Ode to Thankyou when Lizzy was 3 months old.
The cracks appeared at exactly Lizzy’s first birthday. The tasks increased & the baby got mobile & the day sleeping stopped and the first year of sleeplessness was catching up with me.
The music life and the family life started to separate more and more and I felt torn. Lizzy needed more of me and for a while I had little time to myself. I was exhausted and frustrated and Luke and I fought a lot. Trying to get a band off the ground with a baby was a challenge. We kept at it. I wanted both things so much and it kinda worked. I wasn’t really in that much of a music scene being older with a kid. Most of my friends were not musicians and hence, I was missing similar peers. I didn’t really know how to do the baby and music thing. Because music is an outward thing too. Yeh sure, the songwriting I could do at home, but the performance and the rehearsing away from home was tough.
Our motto was ‘everything all the time’ but I had regular meltdowns. A friend once said she alternated between bored & anxious as a new parent & I get that. The joy and love is the glue but your time is not your own. You gotta be more efficient and you strive but you also need to relax. The lines get blurry.
The work is slow. Time management is a good idea but seems a thing of the past. Oh, how I feel I wasted so much time pre baby.
For years, if I wasn’t sick or toddler wasn’t sick I was stressed or burnt out and sad & it all affected the work. The Loneliness too. Lonely is a productivity killer. I’d stare at the wall, listless.
School was a revelation, time returns a bit. But u gotta focus or again time just goes. Less and less of my day currently is spent on my music and I don’t forget. I will not let it go. I wrote a song ‘Too Adult’ after school drop off one day. We gotta move house and rennovate. All these adult things. Today, as I write I feel that I have forgotten how to sing, that my voice is wispier than ever and my tuning unhinged. But I know I can get it back, it’s just hours. Precious hours.
In my new house soon… a new chapter. I’m Dadless, older, living will be more comfortable. I need to write my Dad song. Maybe I’ll do that first. So many unfinished songs. So many finished songs that I want to record. Always looking for a reason to work. To get motivation. Because I don’t do it for money probably. Money is very motivating.
What a luxury to be concerned about these self actualization issues. Food, shelter, safety is so easy in my part of Adelaide, Australia. I am very lucky. I just want to achieve something musical. For my life. My legacy. Because it’s pure joy, is art.
I’m so glad I got to have a child. I can still play music. I guess I have it all, in a way.
x
Mabel Fyne 
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